Top 10 Stupid Idiocies Going on in the OC

Top 10 list of the stupid crap idiocies going on in the OC every day

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I live in Orange County, CA (a.k.a. “the OC”) known for its beaches, gorgeous weather, and tall, tan, blonde people.

I am a petite (that’s an OC word), pale redhead.

There are several stereotypes I fight against daily living here: vapid blondes, fake boobs, luxury cars, high heels, conservatives.

Actually, all that really does exist. What the hell am I thinking?

Herein, a Top 10 list of the stupid crap idiocies going on in the OC every day:

10) OC drivers LOVE their SUVs. Particularly their luxury SUVs. They particularly love to drive said luxury SUVs at high speeds on the demilitarized war zones, er, streets of the OC in order to cut you off, especially if you have the gall to signal that you’d like to change lanes. How dare you.

Parking those behemoths is something else altogether. Given that these drivers (sigh, women) have never parked anything bigger than their teenage-boy sized asses on an upscale barstool before and are now expected to maneuver something akin to a small school bus into a compact car spot while chatting on their cell phones—well. Need I go further?

9) On that same note, mothers driving their obligatory luxury SUVs in school parking lots don’t feel that California laws, such as that pesky little one like stopping for cute tiny preschool pedestrians, applies to them. They have a tennis lesson with their obligatory hot trainer to get to, by God.

8) If you are female, it is imperative that one has one’s toenails painted at all times or risk side-eye persecution. It is written.

7) If one is actually walking one’s child into school, one must be dressed in the obligatory designer jogging suit, full-on diamonds and carefully applied makeup, even though it’s only 8AM. 5-inch heels not optional.

6) Southern California is the fake boob capital of the world. Apparently, having double Ds makes up for a multitude of sins. However, when you see tits up at shoulder level, you can’t help but stare. Things have clearly gotten out of, er, hand.

5) Many OC girls learn at an early age that carrying a $100 Juicy Couture backpack to school is just not good enough. Neither will mummy’s Louis Vuitton castoff do. It is a brand new Tods or risk tantrum city, thus giving rise to the ability of handling manipulation and bitterness at a young age. This comes in handy in the future when headed for divorce number three.

4) Despite their English teacher’s best efforts, children in the OC will pepper their language with regional phrases such as “like” and “you know” and “dude,” well into their forties. Many times salvation comes too late, resulting in  questionable career choices, often with “guru” in the job title.

3) OC men in their forties who still say “dude” may live in a shack, but will proudly drive their BMWs and Mercedes like idiots. (Once passing me on the right at high speed, in a school zone, plowing into a very large, very slow-moving vehicle. Hehe.)

2) Ah, the duck lips. You’ll be hard-pressed to enter any bar, restaurant, or heck, even a Starbucks in the OC without encountering that creature known as the duck-lipped female—usually accompanied by the aforementioned fake boobage. To be fair, she is usually escorted by the hair-plugged male with the Porsche keychain, who in actuality drives a Hyundai tricked out with a leather bra. And chrome rims.

1) And finally, religion and politics seem to be a big deal here; but only if you are on the far right on both counts. I’m neither (Jewish and liberal please, stand up). I’m also a pale redhead with real boobs. Huh…I wonder if there’s some kind of karmic connection there.

Let me check with Shirley MacLaine and I’ll get back to you…